I think I’ve got it backwards.

Three and a half months ago I wrote this post on my old blog. The “streak” it refers to actually lasted a few days. Like the post said, every area of my life seemed to be falling apart, and yet I felt connected with God and very much at peace. I think in a post that followed a few days later I made some comment about that period being the calm before the storm, a time of peace for me to rest up for what was to come next. I had no idea how right I was.

That was 15 weeks ago. A lot has changed. I’ve just accepted a new job. Thanks to moving in with a friend from college and filing for chapter 7, my finances have not only stabilized, but will soon be to the point where I will be operating with a monthly surplus instead of a $1,600/month deficit. My car still needs a new transmission, but it hasn’t gotten any worse and is still very reliable. My friends all comment on how my laugh as returned. I’m playing softball with friends. I feel closer to just about everyone in my life. I have SO much to be thankful for. Only now, things seem far from “well with my soul.”

Don’t misunderstand, I AM incredibly grateful for all of the good things in my life right now. I can’t help but marvel at how God has made pretty much everything fall into place; how he has taken care of me despite myself. Still, every bit of good news, every celebration, every spontaneous laugh, hell just getting out of bed in the morning, seems to accentuate Eury’s absence. It makes it all seem disconnected, unreal. Yesterday I even resisted the urge to tell some people the good news about my new job because each time I did tell someone it felt more and more unbearable that I wasn’t telling Eury.

Three weeks ago I went on my first business trip since we made the decision to get divorced. It brought back such emotion that I wept like a baby all the way to the airport. Last week we had a storm that knocked out our power. You guess it, all I could think about were the times the power went out at the house and the three of us “camped out” in the family room. It seems like it’s that way with everything. And, tonight I’m going to my first poker night at a friends house since before all the shit hit the fan. To make things even better, that last poker night was the last time Eury and I slept in the same bed. I hadn’t even realized that until an hour ago.

Most of my therapists, (yes, one is no where near enough,) think my problem is that I have this delusion that Eury is “perfect,” that if only we were back together life would be great. To that end, my group therapist suggested I stop using her name all together and simply refer to her as “my ex-wife,” to help come to terms with the reality. The truth is, I DON”T believe she is perfect. And, even my amazing powers of self deception can’t convince me that everything would be better if she was in my life. If I did think that I’d be talking to her right now instead of writing this post. I WANT to believe it, but I know that the only thing we have to offer each other is more chaos, pain and suffering. Hell, I’m not even TRYING to stay sexually sober! There’s no way I could have any kind of relationship with her now. I don’t think I’m idealizing her, or our past relationship. I don’t question the need for the no-contact rule. I just miss her. I’m just incredibly sad for what I have lost. I just want to hear the excitement in her voice when I tell her I got the job. I’m just hurting.

I feel like I should end with some great words of wisdom, or profound insight derived from writing this out. I got nothing.

Life is funny, I don’t mean ha-ha
It’s not always sunny, when it needs to be
Life is frightening, nothing lasts forever
Life is hard
- John Mellencamp