A friend in need…

I haven’t posted in over 2 months. I sometimes like to tell myself that it’s because I’m lazy, old habits of beating yourself up die hard. The truth is I blog when things are bothering me, when I’m hurting. And, the last couple of months haven’t had a lot of pain in them. Life’s been good. I’m spending more time with Eury. I’m being more open with the people in my life, not competely, but far more than any other time in my life. I haven’t found myself craving what I don’t have, or longing for what was. Hence, nothing to blog about.

Yesterday I told Eury that I was going to be dating other people. She took it incredibly hard. Today she seems to have bounced back. I suspect she is seeing her former boyfriend again. In fact, I think they are on a date tonight. That’s hard to deal with. All those fears from earlier this year come crashing back, not as powerfully, thank God, but they’re here again. They rob me of the serenity that told me I was making the right choice. One thing is certain. I have taken the next necessary step in my journey. I thought that was the decision to date. It may have been giving Eury the shove she needed to start pursuing her own happiness apart from me, something I make up in my mind she had given up on doing in recent months. In either case, the ball is rolling. All my fears scream at me to try and stop it before it gets any momentum. Instead, I’m going to try to just watch it and see where it goes.

I made a choice yesterday to be true to who I believe I am. My core belief is that I will regret that choice, because I am incapable of choosing correctly. My fear that Eury will find her happiness with someone else, and that I will be alone forever, real or imagined, doesn’t change the self-understanding I defended yesterday. It may make me desparately want to change who I am, but it doesn’t actually change anything. I can not be in an exclusive relationship with anyone right now, especially Eury, without falling into my old codependent patterns. I know that much is true. If I date anyone, I may have to give up seeing Eury. If I don’t date anyone, I still have to give her up. She can’t be the only woman I spend time with. It is just to dangerous for me.

Anyways. It looks like I’ll be getting back to blogging. I’ve had a few really good, relatively pain free months. It’s time to get back at it.

Scary thoughts.

I’m feeling kind of sick to my stomach tonight. I had a session with my therapist today and said some things I’ve never said before, specifically “I’m comfortable not being married to Eury right now.” That scares the hell out of me and makes me feel sick.

I think what I’m feeling is my first taste of “freedom” from my life long “need” to be in a relationship. I still miss Eury like crazy. And, I hope that someday we can reconcile. But, the idea of a committed relationship, much less a marriage just terrifies me. I’m convinced I just couldn’t handle the pressure and responsibility I would put on myself. Most importantly, I can see how all of that pressure and responsibility was my own doing. Eury had her own issues and problems, but my need to be everything to her was MY deal, not hers. I think for the first time in my life, I’m more terrified of being in a relationship than I am of being alone. I just feel like it would crush me.

On the other hand, I’m also terrified that if I don’t reconcile with Eury now, and go on living my own life and figuring myself out, then when I finally am ready for a relationship, she’ll be gone. Or, we’ll be friends for a while and she’ll feel the need/desire to get into another relationship and I won’t be able to handle it emotionally. I can’t ask her to wait on me. I just have no idea if I’ll ever be able to be in a committed relationship. And, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be around her when she is with someone else. I do feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in the past several months. I don’t think I’d end up in that dark place I was in February/March of this year. But, who knows?

The other thing we talked about in my session was honesty and being true to myself. Specifically, my therapist was questioning why, when I do hook up with someone, I feel the need to lie about being married, (I tell them I am, even though I’m not.) I’ve been getting rid of my website accounts and changing my emails to get rid of my acting out partners, but there are a couple that I haven’t broken ties with yet. Rather than try to convince me to break it off with them, my therapist challenged me to get honest with them. Explain that I’m divorced, but that I don’t want a relationship other than a “friends with benefits” type thing. For some reason that scares the shit out of me. But, at the same time, I REALLY want to be “known.” I want to be real. And, with those relationships I really don’t have anything to lose by being known. Worst case they break it off with me. It’s not like I haven’t proven myself capable of finding others. And, it’s entirely possible that being real/honest/open in those relationships will bring me to the point where I don’t want/need them at all. I guess there’s only one way to find out.

A subtle, but important difference.

I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.

- Toby Keith

I loved this song the first time I heard the words, (I think most guys, especially old guys like me, do.) It’s been going through my head lately, but with one slight change. In my head, singing about myself, it goes “I ain’t as bad as I once was, but I’m as bad once as I ever was.”

Prior to my relapse last Summer, it had been 2 1/2 years since I’d cheated on Eury. Not exactly something to write home about for most people, but for me it was pretty impressive. Before that it was a little less than 2 years, then 1 year, then 6 months… you get the picture. “Progress, not perfection,” right? In some ways, I guess. But when it comes to the trauma, pain and grief each relapse caused, the time in between seems pretty much irrelevant.

I’m trying to figure out what that means as far as me ever being in a relationship again. I’ve never believed that something “bad” in any way cancelled out the “good,” but by the same token, the “good” doesn’t cancel out the “bad” either. They’re both very real, and totally separate things.

I’m not sure what to do with these thoughts, but it seemed like a good idea to write them down for later.

Probably worth noting.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,    
Do not forget: Stay out of debt;    
Think twice, and take this good advice from me,    
Guard that old solvency.    
There’s just one other thing you ought to do,    
To thine own self be true.

- Gilligan’s Island cover of Shakespeare’s Hamlet

One of the guys in my therapy group was  pretty upset on Friday. Of the hour and a half session, we spent about an hour working on his stuff. It all basically revolved around a conflict between he and his wife. Throughout his story I could see Eury and myself in any one the numerous conflicts we’ve had over the years. We definitely got better at “fighting fair” and working through those conflicts as time when on. However, I could still feel the turmoil as I listened the this man’s story. I was aware of empathizing with what (I make up in my mind) he was feeling, but at the same time it felt so distant.

Today while I was taking a shower something occurred to me; something I really don’t feel comfortable saying, or writing, or even admitting to myself. In the past 4 and a half months, I’ve only felt that kind of turmoil once. It was in the past week, when I’d emailed or texted Eury and wasn’t “happy” with her reply or the amount of time it took. Nothing/no one else seems to be able to stir that crap up in my any more. I guess that’s not completely accurate. My sister did once in the last couple of months when she expressed that she didn’t really get my reaction to how my other sisters had treated me earlier this year. But still, the lack of turmoil, the lack of the “need to fight,” is practically non-existent in my life right now.

I miss Eury immensely. I want so badly to have her in my life. But, I don’t miss those feelings. I don’t miss feeling like I live and die based on her, or her actions. I don’t want that turmoil in my life. And, I have NO idea how to reconcile the two. Even with the limited contact we’ve had in the last month, I can still feel it. I’ve even caught myself slipping back into anxiously hoping that every text or email I get on my phone is from her, and being more than a little disappointed when it’s not.

I feel like I’ve let the no-contact boundary pretty much completely disappear. And, I don’t know how to get it back, or even IF it is really the right thing to do. The truth is, I don’t want to put it back in place. I want her in my life. I just don’t know if I can deal with it. I guess for now I will simply try to not initiate any contact. I know, it’s a weak ass excuse for a boundary, but I feel like even that may be more than I’m up to right now.

Not quite 24

The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 7: PM

Eury called last night around 9:30. She was crying inconsolably and asked me to just listen for a while, which I did. The I went and met her in a parking lot and we talked for about an hour; the usual crap, me trying to explain why I need the no-contact rule, her not understanding it. Near the end I said something to the effect that the treatment program I’d gone through was far from a cure all, in fact, I acted out the day I got back.

I emailed her twice today. The first time was to reassure her, (cuz that’s what I do,) that an admission she’d made last night wasn’t driving me crazy. I got a two sentence thank you for a reply. The second was to explain just how “not cured” I really was since returning from treatment. I got a 3 word response. She only has her work email right now, so I’m sure her fear of sending personal emails at work is why I didn’t get more either time.

Over lunch, I went to an adult bookstore and got a blowjob from some guy.

I had made plans to drive over an hour tonight to the house of a woman I’ve never met, and likely don’t know the real name of, to have sex all evening. Of course, I needed to go to my group therapy session first, because I’m committed to my recover. Near the end of the session I texted Eury (I now have her cell phone # for the 1st time since my visit to the suicide ward at the end of January) and asked her if she wanted to have dinner. She’d already eaten, and had plans with some work friends that prevented her from sitting and talking to me while I ate, but she did ask if we could get together afterwards. I said no, sort of.

And now I’m here.

Two weeks ago tonight was the first time I’d seen Eury since mid March. I received an email from her on  my phone. It said, “I’m dying.” At the time, I was in bed, having sex with a 21 year old cutter w/ daddy fantasies. So, I replied, “should I come over?” Eury’s reply was yes, and I told daddy’s little girl that I had to leave and rushed off.

Since then, I’ve hooked up with the 21 year old 2 more times, another woman once, and am currently trying to hook up with 2 more, not counting the woman I was planning to meet tonight.

I can’t help but feel like I’m trying to prove a point to myself: I am too fucked up to even think of being in a relationship with anyone, much less Eury. Maybe I just need to do a little more research.

Ups and downs

I went to the CoDA meeting last night. Where were you?

- FaceBook Flare

It’s been a weird few months since returning from treatment. I acted out the very first day I got out. I went four months without seeing Eury. I’ve seen her twice in the last eight days. I can count the number of 12-step meetings I’ve attended on one hand. I’ve surrendered to the fact that I can’t be living alone right now. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve kept secrets. I’ve come clean. I’ve deepened friendships. I’ve had fun. I’ve isolated, and escaped. I’ve asked myself what it is I want, I enjoy; what’s important to me. I’ve actually heard some of my answers. I’ve lied my way into an online support group to get sick hits from the discussions, only to find it to be a valuable source of grown and support. I feel like of done less, but progressed more, in my recovery in the last few months than ever before. I’m not even sure what that means.

I feel like I’m beginning to be me. I’ve found I really like new country music. My drink of choice, on the rare occasion that I drink, is 7&7. I love playing poker (duh, I know.) I don’t like the ugliness and trauma that my acting out partners have experienced to bring them to a place where they can be acting out partners. I’m not capable of a healthy relationship right now, but I really want one at some point, (hopefully with Eury, but that’s not my focus.)

It’s weird to be single. Weirder still to not be trying to change that status. I don’t particularly like it, but somehow it feels “right.” I’m scared to death that I’m “taking to long;” that Eury won’t be there if I don’t hurry up and get well. Obviously, I won’t know until I get there. But, for once, “getting there” is starting to be the important thing. God will take care of “who” is there when I show up.

Renewed effort.

I feel like I’ve been just coasting along, not really doing anything for my recover, acting out “not-so-much.” I feel disconnected and somewhat aimless. I’ve had contact with Eury 3 times in the last 16 days, including 2 face to face visits. The funny thing is, I don’t feel like the contact has me jonesing for more. Instead it has me trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. I would love to get rid of the no-contact rule all together, but I can’t even kid myself into thinking it would be anything short of disastrous. I’m just not healthy enough. I do hope to have a relationship with her someday. I don’t know if that will be just a platonic friendship, or more, but it is what I want. She wants it too. She has a really hard time seeing the need for the contact boundary. But, I just can’t do it. Guess we’ll see if that got through to her last night.

I feel like this is the right thing to do, but it scares the hell out of me. I can’t help but fear that if I stick to my guns now, then when I’m ready for a relationship with her, she won’t want it. Still, now is all I can worry about.

On the positive side, the  whole thing has me looking harder at myself and my efforts to recover. I’ve started looking for more meetings to go to. (haven’t gone to any, but hey, progress, not perfection, right?) I’ve also worked up a new PCI list. Here are my seven “sane” activities:

     1) Exercise 20 minutes/day and drink 64 oz of water/day

     2) Blog or journal or step work each day

     3) Call my daughter

     4) Clean (room, house, car, etc.) at least 20 min/day

     5) Talk to at least (1) member of my support network /day (not just txt, or email)

     6) Take all of my meds as prescribed

     7) Read/pray/meditate at least 20 minutes total per day

Of course, the best I’ve done in the 4 days since I created the list was about 2 or 3 items on any given day… but again, progress.

At any rate, not a particularly emotionally charge post, but it feels good to write it. Hopefully y’all will be seeing new posts pretty much daily from here on out.

I shall not want.

I find your lack of faith… disturbing.”

- Darth Vader

At times I am reminded just how protected and cared for I am by God. (For those of you who have trouble with “God,” please insert “higher power,” or whatever works for you. You might also check out this post from my old blog to get a little insight on me and my own beliefs if you’re interested.) When I stop and think about it, it is so clear to me. But it never ceases to amaze me when He hits  me over the head with another “Dude, I told you I was taking care of you” 2×4. And, the latest such head thumpin’ is no exception.

I have a dear friend. Over the past 20 years he has been my pastor, my spiritual guide (not always the same thing,) my confidant, and my friend. He was the second person I told about my addiction. He was the first person I told about the first affair I had on my 1st wife. And, although I didn’t know it until I wander into a meeting he attended, he is also a sex addict. Circumstances that don’t really warrant going into here have made it difficult for him to be a significant part of my life for several years now, but that has changed, (like everything else in my life it seems. ) And, he and I have started to re-connect.

On another note, I am starting a new job next week. Being a convicted sex offender adds an entirely new level of anxiety and fear to what I believe most people would already consider fairly unsettling. A little over a year ago, I actually lost a job I really loved because of my conviction. People at my last employer know about my conviction, which meant that, in addition to feeling at home in familiar surrounds, that job offered a security no other job would. Unfortunately, that company is in bad shape right now. And, quite frankly I had little choice but to take this new offer when it presented itself.

Again, when I stopped and thought about it, I knew God was taking care of me. The whole thing just seemed to fall into place with perfect timing. I wasn’t even looking for a job. They called me.  But, that nagging fear was still there. “What if they ask if I’ve ever been convicted of a felony?” “What if someone from one of my previous employers tells them about me?” I had managed to force those thoughts to the back of my mind and just trust that God had taken all of that into account. Not an easy thing for me to do.

So, back to my dear friend. He and I had lunch yesterday. It was the first time we’d gotten together since I returned from treatment, so we had plenty to catch up on. Then, towards the end of our lunch, I threw out, as an aside, that I was starting a new job on Monday. He asked where and I told him the name of the company and started into my usual confusing attempt to explain to non-industry types what it was that the company did. Before I could get a full sentence out my friend got a huge smile on his face and interrupted me, saying:

“Joe Blow (the OWNER of my new company, and the man I will be reporting directly to,) is my closest friend in the entire world. He is the first person I told about my sex addiction, and he has been a huge support for me for the last 17 years.”

I’ve never fallen off a tall building and “miraculously” survived. I’ve never had a serious illness or injury suddenly healed with no explanation. I’ve never seen a burning bush. But, I left that resturaunt yesterday KNOWING the hand of God is on me and in my life. Knowing that doesn’t take away any of the difficult things in my life today. It doesn’t make life perfect. It just reminds me that I truly should “fear no evil, for [He] IS with me.”

And surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

- Psalm 23,6 (KJV)

Catch 22

I really want to spend some time working on/writing about things going on with me that don’t involve Eurydice. The problem is, blogging is a kind of PRN medication for me. I only feel the urge to do it when something is “wrong” or bothering me. And, tired as I’m sure you all are of hearing it, nothing else in my life seems to have that effect on me any more except her. So, here we go again.

I have one female friend, a true friend, not just someone I work with, or the spouse/girlfriend of one of my guy friends. We’ll call her Crystal. She knows more about me than all but a handful of people. We talk about anything. I credit her with keeping me alive more than once earlier this year. The relationship used to be sexual, but it’s not any more. And, impossible as it sounds, I truly believe we are both incredibly comfortable with how things are between us now. We had dinner last night, then spent the evening getting all stupid drunk with some friends of hers. If felt great! Comfortable. Happy.

She has a boyfriend, one of my best friends, who just moved in with her. There are times I feel some jealousy about their relationship, but it’s always a fleeting thing. And, I quickly realize that that kind of relationship just isn’t for me.  Once the jealousy passes I realize that what I’m really feeling is a deep sense of sadness that I can’t have the kind of friendship she and I share with Eury. If Crystal wasn’t utterly smitten with her new roomie, there still wouldn’t be anything more between us than friendship. I’m just not capable. The same thing goes for Eury. She’s no longer in her relationship with Jose, or isn’t to my knowledge. “I make up in my mind” that she would like nothing more than for us to be in each other’s lives right now, to hang out, to joke and laugh, to share what’s going on. Not to “reconcile.” Just to be friends. It sounds SOOOOOOOO good.

I told her “I can’t be your anything, if I can’t be your everything.”

- Drinking Buddy

That’s got to be the most co-dependent statement I’ve every heard. And, I can’t think of a clearer way to describe my bond with Eury. It’s STUPID. What kind of idiot gives up so much happiness and joy because he can’t be “everything” to the person that brings that happiness and joy? It’s not even that Eury doesn’t want me to be her “everything.”  I don’t think she does, but even if she did, I KNOW I CAN’T. I’ve got shit that I haven’t begun to clear away just to get to the other shit lying underneath it. I’m about as capable of being in a committed, loving, nurturing relationship as I am of speaking ancient Latin. So, she can’t offer, what I couldn’t take if she did, and yet the fact that I don’t have it means I can’t have any part of her. How fucked up is that?

I shared a particularly depressing thought with Crystal last night. The question of “when” I would be able to have contact with Eury has been on my mind a lot over the last several weeks. And, it occurred to me earlier this week that I do know the answer to that. I’ll be able to have contact with her just as soon as having contact with her isn’t important to me any more, we I can be content with or without her. Crystal asked if I thought I would ever get there. I with there was an answer to that question that didn’t suck.

“Emotionally, I’m feeling 7.63.”

There is only a handful of people who have any idea what that title means, only one of whom reads this blog, but he’d tell you it certainly is NOT good.

Today was my last day at my former employer. Saying good bye to people I’ve worked with for 10+ years was hard. Knowing they all still have to deal with reduced pay, reduced hours, fear of layoffs, and the possibility of the company shutting down completely, didn’t make it any easier. The overall sense of dread and sorrow at not sharing the news of my new job with Eury, (I’ve decided to ignore my group therapist’s advice to simply refer to her as “my ex-wife,) is like a thick haze obscuring everything around me. And, from checking my stats on my other old blog, I can tell that my older sister, one of the ones that threatened to try to put me in prison if I didn’t agree to get the help they felt I needed, has been occasionally checking to see if I’ve written any more post. She doesn’t know about this blog.

She’s sent me a few emails since I returned from rehab, basically saying she misses me and how close we were as kids. I miss her too, and my youngest sister who was her co-conspiritor in what I can only see as “the exstortion plan.” We have a family reunion every other year. I’m not invited this year. If I was, I still wouldn’t go. And, that tears me up every bit as much as not being invited. Why does being true to myself have to mean losing so much? I can see why I’ve spent my life trying to be what everyone else wanted. Not that I think it was “right” or “good,” but I can definitely see why someone would chose that path. If I could delude myself again into thinking it would work, I’d be running down that path right now. But, I can’t.

The pain I’ve gone through in the last 9 months has made it all too obvious that my sexual acting out is my way of coping with the overwhelming burden that path has placed on me. Just the fact that I’ve had so little desire to do the things I no ability to stop doing just a few weeks ago is further evidence. Even faced with this inescapable knowledge, I still want so badly to go back there. I want to take back all the decisions I’ve made. I want to pretend everything is okay. Instead, I’ll lean on the new people in my new life. I’ll let the pain, which pales in comparison to the pain I endured earlier this year, wash over me. I know now that it can’t kill me; that it WILL pass.

I still have no idea what my life will look like when it truly is “my own.” I don’t know who will be in it, or who won’t. I just know I can’t bear the burden of other people’s expectations or needs any more.

Like the fool I am, and I’ll always be
I’ve got a dream. I’ve got a dream.
They can change their minds, but they can’t change me.
I’ve got a dream. I’ve got a dream.

I know I could share it if you want me to.
If you’re goin’ my way, I’ll go with you.

-Jim Croce